Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Day Three Week Two - too much too soon

I woke up feeling dreadful and shaky - all the symptoms of having done way too much.  I was on a collision course with a full blown relapse but I didn't want to quit.  I dragged myself into the shower but it didn't help perk me up.  It was a struggle to get dressed but I got myself ready and headed for breakfast.  I bumped into the OT on the way and explained how I was feeling.  She arranged a meeting later that morning to discuss it.

I didn't feel any better after breakfast and I pretty much sat out all of stretch class as the pain in the back of my head was too bad and I was feel really ill and shaky.  I also felt really cold, which is a sure sign I've been overdoing it and need to rest.

I had a rest in my room then met with the OT and physio.  It was really hard admitting that I was struggling and couldnt continue with the course.  They suggested I go on the hospital course but I explained that would be worse as I'd not have the quiet privacy of my room to rest.  I tried to explain it was just the second week of the course was too physically intensive for me to cope with, the demands were too great and I had no chance to rest and recover in between sessions.  They said there was nothing they could do about that, it was the nature of the course and we were expected to make improvements.  The problem I had is I never seemed to find that illusive starting point to build upon.

They asked if I understood the nature of the course before I came on it.  It was sold to me as a pain management/rehab/educational course that would look at my individual problems.  My medical professionals back home also seemed to view it as a "get out of jail free" card and they discharged me because Stanmore were going to deal with it.  Unfortunately the course isnt designed to meet medical needs in that way.

With a very heavy heart (and a few tears) I decided I couldn't continue the course and I arranged to go home.  The staff supported my decision and they said they would contact me in a few weeks to see where we can go from here.  I have several options, from seeing the consultant at Stanmore to coming back at a later date to complete week three of the course.  They don't want to leave me stranded and want to help in any way they can.

I feel a complete failure for dropping out but in my heart I know Im only doing it because I have to.  It wouldn't help anyone for me to stay on and make myself sicker.  I'm really upset about it, I feel like I've let everyone down and I've let myself down for not trying hard enough.  At least I have learned a few things to take from the course and I made it to the half way point.

For anyone reading this who wants to do the course, it really is worth it but I think I've learned you have to be in a good position to start it.  I am suffering with untreated medical issues which made it hard for me to fully participate.  The course is not meant to diagnose and medically treat people, it's to rehabilitate EDS patients who are ready to take the next step.  Unfortunately I wasn't physically in a place to do that but I would highly recommend the course to those who are.

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